My life as a sinner

Looking into the reflection of Christ I see my own faults and failings. I know about love through Grace, kindness, truthfulness and humility and I know about love’s absence through separation, conceit, enmity and hollowness.

In me, I see the ways I love and the ways I don’t. I’m sitting in a cafe reading CS Lewis’ Mere Christianity and once again, my own apocalypse continues. I feel myself loving life, this wonderful world, this kingdom of God, and the works of my human family: and I feel the schism in me that holds my hurt and pain at being in the world. In my darkness I turn from connection, seeking solace in absence, in superiority, in separation. An adaptation to pain that led me into alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, isolation, hate. My life has been written for many years on pages woven of such fibre. My indomitable spirit, alive and yet descendent.

In the image of Christ, the one who lives among us, tethered and pointing the way to our apotheosis, I see a man who loves God and loves humanity. I aspire to be remade in his image and let love light my journey. The luminous infusion of God’s love by necessity uproots and disturbs my calcified blockages, rattles my brittle self- sanctuary and gently yet irresistibly dissolves me in tears of repentence.

I am loved of God. I am a led by Jesus Christ to love God’s creation. Yet I am grown of failed men and bitter women. I had no perfect childhood nor sanctified spirit.

I was sexually mistreated early in life, born of a woman raped by her brother, raised by a loving and yet emotionally distant father. I was teased and tormented at school continually and knew the reality of pedophilia, hypocrisy, godlessness in my community.

I myself was fiery of spirit, timid of heart and confused of mind. Violently rageful at times, seemingly unequiped to manage the social world in all its subtlety, joy, pain and fullness. I was and am different. Some would call it aspergers syndrome, others oppositional defiance, others eccentric, others sensitive, others pure.

This total concoction of my being has been a wild ride for myself and those close to me. I’ve found it hard to maintain close friendships, stay on good terms with people and enjoy the company of my family. I confess to many a hateful, hurtful comment made in haste, many broken promises, many misleading halftruths and lies.

I say all this because it is true. It is part of my story. I have been both victim and violator in this life and that’s just how it is.

I am on God’s path now, and finally! I can see that I needed His help to remind me what love really is, where it comes from and what it is for. Over the last few years – and this year especially – we have been doing a lot of work together to cleanse and purify me.

I’ve got in me a madman, a wild creature and poisonous serpent of the underworld. I know my sinful nature. I have lived it well. With eager heart and willing ears I let the devil seduce me into despair, depravity, desecration and destruction. The years I’ve spent following his counsel number most of my life. And yet, I sit here with here with a gleam in my own eye. I know their deceit for what it is. A temporary way out of pain at the cost of my humanity.

Fuck you Satan and fuck your cunt of a wife, the whore of Babylon.

I rescind the contract of your counsel.

And I love you as I love my own fallen father. You have your place and I have no enmity with you. In fact I am grateful for the lessons and the humour of your deception. Without you, I’d not know what it was like to cry over my croissant in a cafe full of my human family.

But know this now: I cleave my heart and mind to another. I take my place in the kingdom of my true Father, The loving creator of the Earth and of the Heavens. I abide in the Grace of God, the love of my Pure Mother and the leadership of my Brother Christ.

I’ll bring this rambling testimony to a close with this:

Flawed as I am,

as God is my witness

I hearken unto love.

I seek my resurrection

through the cleansing of my sin,

I bring love to fallen places

in Jesus’ name,

Amen.

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